The problem with being a complex individual is that well, life is complex. Emotions are complex. Circumstances and experiences have multiple layers and life often feels like a series of Rubik cubes – once you sort one block out, there’s another one to tackle. When compared to others who are not so complex, it can feel like having a complex personality is more curse than blessing. I often look at my non-complex husband and think ‘How is life so easy and straight-forward for you?!’ But then there are times where I experience the depth and complexity of the glory of God in my own unique way and I’m thankful for my Rubik cube DNA. (and I’m also thankful for my non-complex husband to keep me sane in the mundane 😉 )
I woke up this morning processing thoughts and emotions that could probably lead to at least 10 different blog posts and I’m sure they will all somehow work their way to this screen. But right now I’m just being me. When I started this blog in October I kinda had one direction for it but now I see that it’s supposed to be the space for me to be me. Because God told me in the fall of 2012 that He would set others free to be who He created them to be as I live my life in the fullness of who He created ME to be. Me – this complex hot beautiful mess of complex emotions and thoughts (yes I used complex twice on purpose…seriously, if you could only get into my head some days you’d probably run away screaming 😉 ) Me – the creative weirdo who has a deep intellectual thought one minute and is thinking about a marshmallow fight the next. I’m like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get. I don’t fit the mold. I don’t easily fit in. And that’s ok, because there’s purpose in my uniqueness.
I’m ready to get real. Not the ‘pretty real’ but real real. What would happen if we all lived from the position of fully trusting God – where all our significance and self-worth truly comes from Him? What would happen if we stopped caring about what other people think and we just ran hard after His heart? What would happen if ‘the world’ saw God-lovers living out their lives and being real with their struggles instead of being concerned with keeping up appearances of having it all together? I’ll tell you right now that I don’t have it all together…but I know that my God says that His ways are higher than my ways (Isaiah 55:8-9) and that He will never leave nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).
I don’t have all the answers and I don’t know why certain things happen the way that they do but I know that God has proven Himself to be faithful in my life over and over again. And THAT is why I can put my faith and trust in Him. My life doesn’t look like what I thought it would by this point but I’ve followed where He led as best as I’ve known how and I wouldn’t trade any of it.
Yesterday, Bethel Music released the full-length preview of their new song “In Over My Head”. It’s the song of my heart in this moment: