I sit here in the early hours of the eve of a new year…soaking in the goodness of what this current year has brought. It’s goodness that goes beyond my human comprehension…goodness that I feel I haven’t even fully grasped the magnitude of yet.
2015’s ‘word of the year’ was CREATE.
(screen shot from http://www.merriam-webster.com)
My mind wants to explode when I think of all that has been ‘created’ this year: dreams, vision, projects, relationships…the list goes on. However, it all can be summed up in the verse God recently gave me as I reflected on these past 12 months:
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Oh, this heart of mine. This beautiful, deeply passionate, messy, creative heart.
One of my She is Loved questions is ‘If it were possible for someone to be YOU for a day, what would you want them to experience & understand in order to really ‘get’ who you are?’
…My answer is that I’d want you to jump into my heart.
If you were in my heart, you’d see just how difficult life can be some days. You’d get a first hand perspective of how much effort it sometimes takes to function and act ‘normal’…not because I’m depressed or struggling in the typical sense, but because I’m made the way that I am.
If you were in my heart, you’d witness the constant tug of war between it and my head…when my heart wants to completely fall apart and sob because it looks a hurting individual in the eyes and feels his/her pain as if it were my own…but my head says ‘you need to set healthy boundaries and keep your emotions in check’.
If you were in my heart, you’d experience the toddler temper tantrum that happens whenever my child-like soul wants to throw responsible adulting in the trash and spend the day ‘playing’ instead, but my head says ‘no, laundry needs to be done, bills need to be paid and work needs to be accomplished’ (Thankfully, over time, my head has learned that my heart needs those days so the temper tantrums have shrunk in number but still…)
If you could magically jump inside my body, you’d understand just how deeply I love. You’d understand how important people are to me, and how I honestly can see beauty and potential in everyone.
Which means you’d understand why it’s so easy for me to guard my emotions…because when you love as deeply as I do, you hurt deeply when something happens to someone you love or if a relationship is fractured.
‘Create in me a pure heart…
This heart of mine has been unraveled this year. In order for something to be pure, it means that only one thing remains. Pure = not mixed with anything else. God has used His wrecking ball called love to transform my life to a place where I barely even recognize it.
I have learned what it means to fully rest in Him. I have experienced His peace in a way I never knew existed. God has unlocked this easily-guarded heart and given me a new huge glimpse into what it means to live fully alive…to live with a pure heart where only He remains.
…and renew a steadfast spirit within me.’
Love is a wrecking ball but it is also ‘steel reinforcement bars’. As my heart has been molded and shaped to more closely resemble what it is meant to be, God has strengthened my passion and drive to chase after Him with everything that I am. I’m hungry…starving actually…and have renewed determination to not settle for anything less than God’s best for me.
The amount of God we have in our lives is directly proportionate to how much we throw off everything that hinders and run full-throttle into Him. Living fully alive is really much more simple than we tend to make it. Our excuses seem justified in our minds, but the reality is we’re only cheating ourselves.
In these last few hours of 2015, I am thankful. It’s been easily the best year of my life thus far…yet I know even better is in my future. Here’s to 2016 and the adventures to come.